


Free Fall

by sarcastic_fi



Series: Freedom in the Fall [2]
Category: NCIS
Genre: BDSM, BDSM Big Bang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 15:22:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastic_fi/pseuds/sarcastic_fi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Gibbs were in a BDSM relationship for three years. They'd been through it all, the death of a close friend, a new member of the team, Tony falling ill with the plague. But then Gibbs loses his memories, and more specifically the memories that tie him to Tony. He leaves for Mexico and Tony is devestated. Months later circumstances bring them back together and Gibbs starts to remember why he loved Tony, but there is something holding Tony back from being able to forgive Gibbs and it's causing them both pain.</p><p>Written for BDSM_big bang 2012</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: my bed is half empty not half full

**Author's Note:**

> Here is some amazing art for you!
> 
> Whogate; http://whogate.livejournal.com/5873.html?view=25073#t25073  
> &  
> SexyCazzy; http://sexycazzy.livejournal.com/149231.html

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from the song 'Lovesick Fool' by The Cab

The darkness that Tony DiNozzo found himself surrounded by was artificial, created by low lighting and a thick custom made blindfold that he was intimately familiar with and yet it was no less terrifying for it. He kept his breathing shallow, not wanting his panic and fear to bleed through the carefully constructed atmosphere. He only wanted to please his Dominant, to make his Dominant happy enough so that he might be pleasured in return, or at the very least so he would be freed of his various bindings. Ankles, thighs, wrists, elbows... all bound with butter soft leather that wouldn't leave a mark on his skin no matter how hard he struggled but would never give enough for him to escape from them. Tony thought that he could endure this all with much more grace if only he had been left the ability to verbally safe word, except a large ball-gag prevented him from being able to do much more than groan around the shape. He was humiliated as dribble escaped his mouth and trailed a cold damp path down to his face, pooling in the hollow of his throat and at the sides of his neck. Still, even as he counted the ways in which he hated his dilemma, all he could think of was the sound of his Dominant's voice and how good it would feel when he was worthy of praise.

Rebecca's voice floated over to him as if being carried by a strong wind, “I'll just be in the other room, Tonio, don't worry,” the voice changed mid-sentence, suddenly masculine and heartbreakingly familiar “I'm not leaving you...” He heard foot steps retreating and started fighting against his bondage, screaming through the ball gag in an attempt to get him to stop. It was too late. He was already gone. They both were.

Tony woke up in bed alone, sweaty, naked and fighting the urge to hurl. He breathed in quick rapid breaths through his nose and out of his mouth while he waited for his heart beat to return to normal. The electric alarm clock that sat alone on his night-stand read 2:35 and Tony groaned in desperation. This was the third time this week alone that he'd woken up with barely three hours sleep and it was only Thursday. Nightmares had plagued him for a few months now, each one slightly different but he wasn't such an idiot that he didn't realise exactly where they stemmed from or what they were trying to communicate to him, but it wasn't like the knowledge changed the reality. Ducky had been understanding at first, prescribing him some sleeping pills so he could grab at least one or two full nights sleep but after a few weeks the nightmares crept into his drug induced sleep and tormented him until they wore off and after that Ducky had refused to help him medically, instead advising him to seek psychological help or do something drastic like call Gibbs.

He hadn't done either. After all he hated therapy despite having enough material to last a life time of sessions (and that was just his childhood), and as for making that phone call? The man had been in Mexico. He hadn't wanted to be bothered by petty little things like ex second-in-commands and their night terrors. Besides, Tony had since developed his own method of dealing with the unwanted dreams. Once every so often, nearly always on a Friday or Saturday night, he would go to the Saint Andrew's Cross club that his friend owned. There he was guaranteed to find someone to work the stress off with. 

With that in mind he switched the light on and went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water, knowing that he was always dehydrated after the nightmares and that if he didn't drink something then he'd only wake in another two or three hours with an awful headache that would have him ill tempered all day. On his way back into his bedroom he noticed that, like always, his side of the bed was crumpled from twisting and turning in his sleep. Also that, as always, the other side of the king sized bed was perfectly untouched, as if still awaiting it's occupant. Which was ten kinds of ridiculous, especially since Gibbs had never even spent the night at Tony's apartment, they'd stayed together at his large unlocked house where Tony had never felt safer. Really Tony should by-pass his side of the bed, which was damp with his sweat, and man up enough to disturb the pressed sheets on the second half of his bed, but something in him prevented him from being able to do so. He snorted at himself, it wasn't like Jethro was coming back to make use of the space, and yet still every night no matter how much thrashing about he did in his sleep, he never rolled onto the other side of the bed.

Tony switched the light off and climbed back into his side of the bed, wiggling around to find a comfortable position in his loneliness. He'd be awake again in three hours, head off for a run before returning to his apartment to wash away the sweat and memories before going to work, arriving an hour before everyone else. Except Gibbs. He'd be there about the same time, and they'd both ignore the elephant in the room and pretend like everything is fine. Like Tony isn't broken and Gibbs's can't remember why.


	2. A wandering eye and a heaviness in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title lyrics from an Adele song called 'Don't You Remember'

“You'll do.”

The words still echoed around in Tony's head even after three hours of intense bondage. It was like he had to try twice as hard to switch off now that he was in-command, now that he was the one who had to be responsible and make the rough calls. Well, that was what Tony wanted to believe. The truth was so much simpler, but the complexities it contained spoke of intimacies and issues that Tony wanted buried deep down inside him never to wound him again. Never to leave him vulnerable, or alone.

“Count for me,” a voice whispered next to his ear, the moist hot breath of his play partner sending chills down his spine. Unfortunately they were the wrong kind of chills. No lust stirred him, no serenity overcame him. Tony knew he should safe word out of the scene because if nothing had done it for him yet then a sound beating wasn't likely to get him off either. But there was another reason to stay. Another reason to endure the pain this would no doubt involve. Pain was a punishment, and right now he felt like there was no one else in the world who deserved to be punished more than he did.

“One,” he jerked with the force of the shop brought wooden paddle as it impacted his naked ass.

He hadn't been worthy of a collar.

“Two,” he hissed out. The paddle had landed in the exact same area and his ass heated up.

He hadn't been worth remembering.

“Three,” he gritted his teeth. He had endured far worse before, still today every smack of the implement seemed so much worse than it ever had in the past, and with it the emptiness inside only grew.

He hadn't been worth saying goodbye to properly.

“Four,” he ground out after he panted for breath, his mouth dry as a bone now and his body slick with sweat.

He hadn't been worth anything to the one person he had chosen to trust. It hurt far more than a beating with a wooden paddle ever could.

“Fi-” the sound of his ring tone seemed ridiculously loud in the empty play room and any sense of being in-scene ended with the unexpected interruption. 

“Red,” Tony huffed out and his partner untied him quickly and handed him an unopened bottle of water to rehydrate with. “This is DiNozzo,” he said into his cell as the other man rubbed down his own body with a towel and retreated to the adjacent showers. It was a pity the scene had ended so soon, the guy had had a truly spectacular ass, although on reflection perhaps it was a good thing since Tony hadn't been able to find the interest to even pretend to be having a good time.

“We've got a dead body. I'll text you the address. Gibbs wants you there in twenty minutes,” Tim said without a greeting, letting him know it was all business.

Gibbs wanted him there but hadn't been bothered to call himself? Well, that said it all, didn't it. “Sure thing, McFavourite,” Tony bit out bitterly and ended the call. He instantly regretted taking out his fowl mood on the junior agent and knew he'd make an effort to let McGee know he wasn't pissed at him. He'd spent so much energy trying to hide how he felt ever since Gibbs got hurt in that explosion, and ever since the world kept making it harder, kept delivering harder blows than he could deal with. Gibbs' memory loss, then abandoning them for Mexico and Franks, Ziva's lack of trust and Probie's lack of faith in him, Gibbs' subsequent return and lack of acknowledgement, and now being busted back down a rank without pause or appreciation. Hell, life had been tough enough beforehand what with recovering from the plague, then losing Kate and having to get used to Ziva on the team but at least he'd had Gibbs back then. In Tony's opinion it was a pity he couldn't safe word out of life.

Speaking of life... Tony took a moment to appreciate the awkwardness of the situation then decided a note would suffice. “Work called, sorry gotta go, T”. Anonymity had flown out of the window thanks to his own rather abrupt return to the scene a few months ago, most people at the club he frequented knew his name and those who didn't weren't worth talking to. Once upon a time Tony had been a rookie on the BDSM scene, who had followed around a beautiful woman from city to city from club to club, and while while she had taught him many things about himself she had also taught him the value of trust and how easy it was to abuse. Their dynamics hadn't matched, and he'd been too in love and too naïve to let her know that she was going past his limits emotionally as well as physically. Tony had been damaged when he'd emerged from his relationship with her, and for a while he had retreated from the BDSM scene equating all the pain and sorrow caused by that relationship with the scene. It hadn't been until Gibbs had taken him on as a Submissive that Tony had learnt what true Submission was and how it benefited his Dom to give it. For the three years they had been together Tony had felt more love and more contentment than ever before in his life, but still he had never asked Gibbs to collar him. Maybe if he had, if he'd trusted Gibbs that little bit further, then he wouldn't have been so forgettable. So unworthy.

He let go of his thoughts upon arriving at the crime scene and put on the face that people both loathed and yet longed to see, the happy-go-lucky DiNozzo exterior of charm and unnecessary movie references. If Tony was laughing then everything must be okay, right? Even McGee, who had known Tony since the start of his relationship with Gibbs, was fooled by the mask.

“Let me guess, petty officer?” Tony asked and Ziva filled him in on the details. Just another day in the life of Anthony DiNozzo junior, federal agent with NCIS and consummate screw up.

~NCIS~

Gibbs had been back a few weeks and gone a few weeks but it seemed to him that both experiences had been longer. He knew his job like the back of his hand and it felt like coming home to go back to it, even if his home was an exhausting, frustrating place where even his best wasn't always good enough to save peoples lives. Truthfully he wasn't ready for retirement, didn't know how to relax or let go and he'd been driving Franks crazy for months with his inability to take siestas. However, it might feel like home, but he still had problems remembering the past few years since Shannon and Kelly were killed.

Snippets of memories tormented him while he slept, illusive and unattainable. When he tried to consciously grasp at them, tried to force them to become solid, they faded away into the recesses of his mind. Gibbs was no stranger to patience, he had been a Marine sniper after all, but there was something infinitely frustrating about being the only one who didn't know. He lacked memories of the past few years, most of them were there now, recovered and intact. He recalled Kate's smile, the blood splattered across Tony's face when Ari shot her, he remembered Ziva, in his basement assuring him that she didn't know of her brother's betrayal, that she was hurting too. He had comforted her, and ever since seen her like a daughter, just like Abby, who was so fiercely independent and yet beautifully needy. She needed her family, her friends, her co-workers, and she needed them to be happy. It was an innocent request, one which Gibbs wanted to protect her from because it wouldn't come true. Happiness was, it seemed, just as illusive as the memories that escaped him. 

Tony was a source of many of the blocks. He didn't remember how they met, whereas meeting Ducky was engraved in his mind as if it had been yesterday. He knows how he feels about the man, though. Emotionally he was as he was before, even if his grief over Shannon and Kelly's premature and tragic demise had overwhelmed him at first. Once again he had pushed it aside, used it to get the job done. He had to protect all those little girls and loyal wives, he had to protect all those men from feeling what he had felt. 

He loved Tony.

It had shocked the hell out of him at first. He was grieving for his wife and beautiful baby girl and then this man, a man who's name he couldn't remember, appeared before him with fear and concern in his jade green eyes and he'd been punched in the gut by how attracted to him he was. In that instant Gibbs had known they had fucked, and not just once.

It wasn't enough, that feeling, to keep him at NCIS. Too much pain, too much sorrow and Gibbs had only feared he'd bring his own issues down on the pretty younger man. Leaving had been the easiest option. The best option.

For Gibbs.

Now he was back and he could see the mistake he had made, but couldn't bring himself to regret it completely. Now he had something tangible to pull him through. He hadn't been able to sleep, like normal, and without carpentry to soothe his tormented mind he'd wondered around his house like a stranger, touching things that called out to him; a vase that had once belonged to his mother, a knife that Franks had given him before his retirement, a bottle of liquor in a fancy decanter that had been brought for him by Tom Morrow when he'd been promoted. Then he'd seen a DVD under the sofa. Gibbs didn't own any DVDs, or a DVD player. Ergo there had once been the technology to play them and thus the presence of DVDs in his house. Gone now, as if they had never been there. His gut told him that it belonged to Tony, and further searching led him to an unfamiliar brand of shaving lotion abandoned in the spare bathroom, a t-shirt hidden at the bottom of his drawers that was soft and stylish enough to belong to someone who cared a great deal more about personal appearance than Gibbs did. He picked it up and brought it to his face, breathing in the familiar aroma of Tony. 

Suddenly it was like there was the smell of sweat and cologne, the sound of panted breaths and almost inaudible groans. Lust stirred in Gibbs groin and he sat down on the bed as the memory dissipated slowly. He needed to have a conversation with one Anthony DiNozzo junior, fast. Maybe then they could clear up some of the tension at work that was so obviously affecting the entire team, not just Gibbs or Tony. 

~NCIS~

Gibbs didn't get a chance to talk to him for a few more weeks, but when the conversation did occur it was already too late for polite enqueries into the past nature of their relationship. The situation with the team had just gotten worse to the point where everyone was snapping at each other, blame was being appointed for minor screw-ups or routine blips in the case. Tim had taken to hiding in Abby's lab and even Ducky seemed to have run out of patience with the team. Things had gone too far and a large amount of the blame could be laid at Gibbs' feet for not sorting this issue out sooner. They needed to clear the air, and it wasn't going to be pretty. Gibbs waited until Tony was alone, which was far too easy. His team used to gravitate towards each other but now they seemed to be like magnets repelling one another to such an extent that it was a real effort to get them in the same place for debriefings. Ziva had volunteered to go up to autopsy to see if Ducky could shed any light on the case and McGee had yet to return from Abby's lab where he was running a programme on the victim's computer in order to determine the source of a computer virus that had wiped the hard-drive. Which left Tony, who under the intense silence of the bullpen had cracked and offered to go for coffee. Gibbs had agreed while faking disinterest and then tailed him into the elevator. Ignoring Tony's look of surprise he waited until the doors closed and then stabbed the 'stop' button, creating the perfect environment to confront Tony about their past.

“I think we need to talk, DiNozzo,” he opened with.

“And we couldn't have done so in the bullpen?” Tony was suspicious and edgy.

“It isn't about the case, Tony.”

Tony's jaw tightened and he found a corner of the elevator to stare at in order to avoid his boss's gaze. “Is that what we should be focusing on, the case? I don't see how anything else is relevant or urgent-”

“Why didn't you tell me we used to be involved, DiNozzo,” Gibbs cut his agent off, not wanting Tony to ramble on when they'd only have a certain amount of time before the elevator would be in use again. “Everyone was keen enough to let me know that I'd had liaisons with Jenny in the past, and that Kate died, why keep this from me?” He added demandingly.

“Involved? You're just my boss, I don't-”

“Tony,” Gibbs stopped him from uttering the words they both knew to be lies. “I was always going to remember eventually.”

“Were you? Maybe you wanted to forget,” Tony suggested with a bite, his eyes spitting green fire at his boss even as he kept his body language from reflecting his temptation to run away from yet another difficult conversations. “I know that isn't the answer you want, and I know that on some level it doesn't even make sense, after all you didn't choose to forget us, it just happened, but I never said I made sense and I sure as hell never promised to be the rational one in all of this,” he added. Gibbs was supposed to be the rational one, the one who made everything better with just a touch, just a look. He was supposed to be the one that Tony counted on for everything, guidance, affection, and support. Maybe that was too much to expect of one man, but before the accident Tony had really believed his boss was capable of filling all those roles for him. Boss, friend, lover. Now he was barely even his boss.

“I didn't choose to forget, and even if there was a reason that my mind found it easier to repress memories of our time together, you still should have told me. It was a part of my life,” Gibbs told him, sounding almost angry now.

Tony looked away. “Was. Right.” He said quietly and pressed the button to restart the elevator. “I guess there was a reason I never got an invite to move in after all,” he said, and forced himself to leave the elevator walking away from Gibbs, who just stared at him with cloudy blue eyes and a puzzled expression.

Had there been a reason? Gibbs would never know, unless he remembered everything. It told him more than he had known before, about how invested Tony had been in their relationship especially if he'd been thinking about them moving in together. For Tony that was a big deal. Still, things were as unresolved and tense as they had been before he started this conversation. He really hadn't resolved anything.

Twenty minutes later Tony returned with coffees and the case continued as it had before, although Tony seemed to be less irritable. Perhaps he'd used up his passive aggressive quota of the day. He was unnaturally quiet and stuck to asking relevant questions and helping to keep Probie and Ziva in line when the bickering started up again. Gibbs wasn't naïve enough to think that everything was fixed though, he could see the anguish in his senior agent's eyes and knew that something more had to be done to fix the current situation. He just needed to remember, to figure out to meld his feelings towards Tony with how he was coping after experiencing the trauma of losing his family all over again. Easy, right?


	3. The kindest of kisses breaks the hardest of hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title belongs to a song by Florence and the Machines called 'The hardest of hearts'

On Monday Tony arrived at work on time. He was wearing respectably clothing, of course, and was stone cold sober, unfortunately. He hadn't opened his mouth to complain or crack a childish joke since he arrived and was in fit condition. Mostly. Yet still he had managed to earn the cold shoulder from the boss man. Gibbs hadn't looked at him except to glare since he arrived, he barked his orders and gave Tony all the worst jobs, like paperwork, literal paper work involving numerous files each with thousands of words printed in size ten font. It was ridiculous, and insulting. Gibbs hadn't been known to hold a grudge in the past, not unless it was a deserving one like hating the FBI (understandable) or mistrusting Mossad (sensible) or whatever weird tension he had with Jenny (best not to go there, really). Okay, so maybe he was the grudge holding type, but Tony never thought he would be unfair. 

And really, making Tony do eight hours worth of paper work in two hours was the meaning of the word 'unfair'.

“Why am I being punished?” Tony asked, exasperated and frustrated after the third paper cut of the day. 

Gibbs glowered.

“No seriously, what have I done this time to earn the wrath of Gibbs?” He asked.

“The mens room, now,” Gibbs practically whispered the words but they were more threatening than a shout.

Tony watched as Gibbs stormed off in the direction of the mens room. He waited the prerequisite three and a half minutes before following, knowing that by that point Gibbs would have emptied the stalls with his mere presence and they'd be safe to have a private conversation there. 

This wasn't necessarily a good thing.

In fact, considering the conversations they'd had lately, Tony was positive this wasn't going to end well. For Tony at least.

Still, what could he do but follow?

Once in the mens room, he found himself manhandled until he was facing the locked door, his jacket somehow on the floor and his shirt pulled up to expose his back.

“What the hell are these?” Gibbs hissed, pressing his chest to Tony's tender back.

He hissed. The bruises and whip lashes still sore as hell after a weekend 'playing'.

“None of your business!” Tony barked back, bucking to get away from his boss's hold. Of course he didn't get released, in fact all he did was make the marks burn with a pain that boarded on pleasure.

“Anything that effects your ability to do your job is my business, DiNozzo. You're a liability in the field. A risk. And that is why you're riding a desk for the rest of the week!”

Tony caught his breath and barked out a laugh. Gibbs let him loose and he pushed away from his boss, letting the space grow between them until Tony was on the other side of the small room.

“You really think this is about work? The Gibbs I know would never deal with a work situation like this, blurring the lines. You're unconventional but not like this. So what is this really about? Is it because I let someone whip me? Or is it because I enjoyed it?” Tony taunted his boss.

“I'm not a god damned hypocrite, Tony!” Gibbs hissed. He may have forgotten many things about their relationship, but this definitely confirmed that the graphic dreams of him flogging Tony to the point of orgasm had been a reality and not just a fantasy borne out of frustration with his antagonising agent.

“So not the latter... I don't know, maybe it's because that someone wasn't you. Is that it? Are you jealous?”

Gibbs looked away from him. “Maybe I'm just disappointed that you're throwing yourself around like a cheep whore. It doesn't even mean anything to you any more, it's just stress relief.”

Tony felt cold all over as he watched Gibbs vacate the room. After his boss was gone, he locked the door again and sat down on the floor. Everything was such a mess. Up was down and down was up. Every time either one of them brought up their past relationship it just ended up hurting even worse. Tony should be glad that Gibbs remembered enough to know that they'd had a relationship involving the BDSM dynamic but instead he was just felt like he'd disappointed the one person in the world who's opinion actually mattered to him. The one person who was supposed to understand what made Tony tick had just called him on it, and the situation felt more hopeless than ever before. 

Tony returned to paperwork for the rest of the week without argument, and next weekend he decided he would skip the club scene.

~NCIS~

Gibbs' memory returned, his life for the past ten years becoming clearer and clearer to him the more he lived it. Hiding away in Mexico had given him time to recuperate but he hadn't been able to stimulate his memories while he'd been there. Now that he was back home and every day things were getting clearer and clearer. He recalled Abby's last birthday, the decision he's made to promote Tim onto his team and have him work under Tony, he understood all the reasons that he and Jenny failed to make a lasting connection and why she resented him because of it, and more than anything he was now haunted by every touch, every whisper, every moment that his life had been filled with Tony DiNozzo. It only made his house seem all the more emptier for the lack of him. Shannon and Kelly had been gone a long time and while his heart had forgotten that for a while his head had known it, however both his heart and his head were in agreement that Tony's absence was recent enough for him to be aware of the void he had filled which was growing bigger every day.

He suspected that Tony felt the same way which was why Tony was so miserable. After a particularly gruelling case with just Tony and Gibbs left at the office until late, Gibbs offered to give his senior agent a lift home. The paperwork wasn't finished and they both had bruises that hadn't even had time to colour their skin but enough was enough. Some days you just had to focus on the win and get some rest before it all happened all over again the next day.

“Get some sleep, DiNozzo,” Gibbs ordered him warily as he parked outside of Tony's apartment complex.

Tony hesitated to get out, and instead sat back in his seat and stared in front of him looking defeated and exhausted. “I haven't slept a full night since you left,” he admitted.

Gibbs was shocked and pleased that Tony had opened up to him. It was the first time since he'd lost him memory that Tony had shared an intimate detail with him and he felt like finally they were taking a step forwards. “I never intended to abandon you,” he said gruffly.

“Rationally I know that. At night it's all I can think about.”

“You don't have to be alone, Tony. I'm right here.”

“But you weren't,” Tony pointed out.

Gibbs didn't know how to say sorry any more. He was so sorry about so many things, and he knew how little the word meant. The rule about never saying sorry wasn't just about it being a sign of weakness, although that was a good business rule, however on a more personal note he thought that saying sorry was worthless. You had to show people you were sorry. Actions spoke louder than words, and the only action he could come up with that he hadn't already tried was passion.

Gibbs leaned over and kissed Tony with all his sorrow, pent up rage, sense of loss and festering frustration. He kissed him like he meant it on every level. “Come home with me,” he said, gasping for breath when he released Tony.

Confusion and lust clouded Tony's beautiful eyes as he blinked at him. “That isn't a good idea,” he muttered, thinking about all the arguments that they'd been having since Gibbs returned. They just couldn't seem to work things out and it was making Tony think that maybe he should have taken Jenny up on her offer of heading up a team in Spain. Sun, sea, sand and a fresh start didn't seem so bad ow. When he'd said no he had still been clinging on pathetically to the idea that Gibbs' remembering everything would somehow fix it all. He realised now that the problem hadn't been that he couldn't remember, it was that Tony couldn't forgive him for forgetting in the first place.

“We've slept together a hundred times, Tony. We don't have to have sex, but we'll both sleep better with you by my side. I still think of you as my submissive, and I hate that you won't let me take care of you any more,” Gibbs admitted.

“I wasn't your sub, Gibbs, I was just a sex toy,” Tony spat back at him angrily, rearing away from the intimacy of the situation. 

“What the hell gave you that idea?” Gibbs asked, just as angry and more confused. He had to admit, even to himself, that he had probably never put as much effort into a relationship as he had with the one between himself and Tony. With Shannon things had seemed effortless, although perhaps that was more of a case of looking back with rose tinted glasses remembering more than anything how much he had loved her and had been loved in return. With his ex wives... well, he'd never tried to give them what they needed because he hadn't been able to get what he needed from them. The relationships had failed and that had suited him, it had given him a reason to be alone, to be angry and silent. But Tony wasn't his ex wife, in fact, Gibbs was damn sure Tony wasn't his ex anything because he was going to make Tony realise that coming back to whatever kind of relationship they had shared before was the only outcome of their recent struggles.

“You never gave me a collar,” Tony said, regretting it instantly but unable to take back the words. His impulsiveness had revealed how deep the hurt went. It told Gibbs that Tony had been insecure, unhappy and uncertain before the accident. No doubt Gibbs' inability to recall details of the lief he had shared with Tony only cemented these feelings, but it said a lot that they were never addressed to start with. 

“You never demanded one, Tony. I would have given you one if you'd have demanded it, then I'd have known you were ready,” Gibbs told him. Maybe he didn't remember everything, but he knew the way his mind worked and how his heart felt.

Tony snorted, looking more hurt than ever. “You were waiting for me to ask for a collar? For me to ask for something that would have symbolised that I was worth something permanent and lasting? Do you even know me at all?”

“I wasn't going to give you something you weren't ready for, DiNozzo, and if you really believed you were ready you would have found some way to let me know,” Gibbs said firmly.

Tony didn't have a reply for that. He sighed, so tired. It looked like this conversation had gone just as bad as all the others had. Without saying goodbye he opened the door and went into his apartment, noticing that Gibbs didn't drive away until after the light went on. He was making sure that Tony got in okay, even after Tony had made it seem like he didn't want Gibbs to take care of him any more. Which was a lie. Until tonight Tony hadn't even been sure that Gibbs wanted Tony back at all let alone as his submissive. It was too much to take in.

He went to sleep with the taste of Gibbs on his tongue, and for the first time since Gibbs left he slept through the night without sleeping pills or a sound beating. Perhaps it was a sign that it was time to let go of his resentment and try to make things work with Gibbs again? Or it could just be that Tony was so emotionally exhausted that even the nightmares couldn't stop him from sleeping.


	4. If the truth's the worst I could do, then I guess that I have lied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is from a song by You Me At Six called 'Always Attract'

“Maybe I should try being with Gibbs without the D/s dynamics. Just do normal things, like work on his boat and argue about what movie to watch and eat steaks and have make up sex. Vanilla make up sex,” Tony mused as he picked up his fifth slice of pizza. He and Abby had arranged a night in with pizzas and some classic movies from Tony's collection for entertainment. It was soothing to do something so mundane and he couldn't think of a better way to spend the night. Well, that might be a lie but his 'better' way would probably end in frustration and angst, so until his head was on straight this was the best thing for him.

Abby frowned at him. “I don't think denying that part of you is healthy, Tony, that'd be like one step forward and a zillion steps backwards. Being a submissive is normal to you, and even when you were denying it it was still a part of you, especially a part of your relationship with Gibbs.”

“And you think that's a good thing?” He asked.

“Yes! Gibbs has always loved you for being exactly who you are, the class clown, the protective big brother figure, the dorky best friend, and the submissive to his dominant. You're his second, his... just his!” Abby argued passionately. 

“I don't think he feels that way, Abs,” Tony told her mournfully. Abby painted a wonderful picture, one of acceptance and unconditional love. Those things weren't real. Never had been.

“Of course he does. The problem is, you don't think that way about yourself,” Abby told him.

“You know it all, huh Abs,” he said, and flicked a piece of peperoni at the wise Goth, but deep down he didn't believe her. Abby had the tendency to believe the best in people, and no one more than Gibbs. She was strangely naïve and innocent for a Goth and a forensic criminologist. She let the subject drop after that and they enjoyed a night in, but her comments stayed with Tony the whole time. By the end of the night he had decided it was time to stop running. He was going to make it back to Gibbs.

~NCIS~

Tony and Gibbs met on neutral ground in a bar not too far from the St. Andrews Cross. This place neither participated or encouraged the BDSM scene and therefore allowed them distance enough to keep their perspectives. Tony had spent so much time and energy being angry and hurt that it was clouding his every judgement and decision. It was time to accept that Gibbs was back in his life and that even if they weren't together at the moment they still had to work together. Clearing the air seemed like the best thing for both of them, even if it meant facing up to things that Tony would rather forget. Which was ironic, considering that Gibbs' inability to remember their relationship was what brought them to this place.

For long time they sat in stilted silence, nursing non-alcoholic drinks and each one of them waiting for the other to start the conversation. Tony had been the one to initiate the meeting so as far as he was concerned the ball was in Gibbs' court. Gibbs, however, thought differently. Tony had been the one to request this meeting so shouldn't he be the one to start? However it looked like it was up to Gibbs to bring up the painful topic of their relationship.

He sighed heavily and opened with, “when are you going to stop being angry at me for not remembering Tony? When are you going to stop playing the victim in all this?”

“I'm not a victim,” Tony argued, offended by the terminology and immediately put on the defensive.

“You're right, you aren't. I forgot because of injury, it wasn't on purpose and despite what you think it isn't a subliminal message telling you that I don't love you or value you. So man up, DiNozzo, I know that somewhere deep inside of you is someone who is my partner, in every sense of the word. Where is he?”

“He's waiting for you to love him again,” Tony whispered, hating himself for saying those words out loud and exposing his vulnerable side.

“Bull. I never stopped loving you Tony. I just didn't remember how I recovered from the loss of Shannon and Kelly and met and moved in with you. Besides, no partner of mine waits to be told to step up. They use their gut and make the move. You my partner, Tony?” Gibbs asked.

Tony felt all confused. He'd been throwing pity party. 

“I'm your partner. But I don't know if I can be your sub,” he admitted. And if he couldn't be Gibbs' sub, then he might as well not be anything.

“Oh, Tony,” Gibbs said quietly, his tone was surprisingly filled with warmth and affection and something that Tony thought might be relief. “You don't know how to be anything else.”

“It's not like riding a bike,” Tony said, slightly offended by the remark. He'd been struggling with his submissive inclinations for years before he'd ever even met Gibbs, not wanting to let his submissive tendencies take over while on the job or with regular people, ones who didn't understand the scene and who would only see a freak if they knew. The reverse was true as well, but that had come after he had freed himself from his abusive relationship with his ex. He'd experienced what it was like to be in a relationship where the concept of trust was a distant memory and every move he'd made and thing he said had been dictated by his Domme. Unhealthy didn't even begin to describe it, but the thing was Tony was honest enough to admit that it had been just as much his own fault as Rebecca's. Gibbs spent the time since they began their relationship trying to help him heal and learn about true submission, where he wasn't just submitting because that was that someone else expected or needed from him, where he wanted to, to such a degree that his own pleasure was secondary. It made every aspect of their relationship so much more intense.

“No, it's like learning to draw when you have a natural talent. I'm not worried about your ability to submit, Tony, we've fought that battle. I'm worried that you don't trust me because I left, and that you're holding on to your anger in an unhealthy way,” Gibbs said.

“I don't know what you mean,” Tony denied.

“How many times have you been to the St. Andrews Cross while I've been absent? How many people have you allowed to touch you, hurt you, since I moved away?” Gibbs asked, his tone hard as he demanded the right to know all of DiNozzo's secrets, all of his mistakes.

“I never had sex with them,” Tony said defensively, remembering how vehement Gibbs had been that Tony allow no-one except Gibbs to touch him intimately, excepting doctors of course.

“Which means you allowed them far for personal intimacies... you know how I feel about that,” growled his Dom, because who was he kidding, Gibbs would always be and had always been his Dom.

Shame washed over Tony. This conversation had taken a dramatic twist, now Tony was the one with the guilt he wished to be assuaged of and Gibbs was the hurt party who had every right to revenge. Or did he, did he really have every right? He had left Tony and Tony had assumed he would never come back. So Tony had gotten what he needed from others. Who was in the wrong?

They both were. Or maybe neither of them.

All that mattered was that both of them hurt.

How could words ever fix that?

“Could you ever forgive me?” Tony whispered, unable to look in Gibbs' eyes.

“Tony, could you ever forgive yourself? Can you ever trust anyone? These are questions you need to figure out the answers too before we can discuss our future, if we have one as a couple,” Gibbs pointed out sadly.

Tony nodded, staring into the glass in front of him. Next to him he heard Gibbs' phone buzz and his boss sighed. “It's Ducky, I have to go. Do you need a lift anywhere?” 

“No, I'll be fine,” Tony assured him, and even though Gibbs looked unhappy about leaving Tony there alone, he had to go and he knew he couldn't force Tony to let him look after him. It was Tony's choice. “See you tomorrow, boss?”

“Give it a few days, DiNozzo. I want you back on the team with a hundred percent focus and you can't do that until you've figured things out,” Gibbs said, and with a gentle kiss on Tony's head eh was gone.

As soon as Gibbs had left Tony ordered a stiff drink, the kind his dad used to make him pour at two in the afternoon. The amber liquid burned as it slid down his throat, warming him all over. He ordered one more, tossed it back, and then resolved to go outside and order a taxi back to his lonely apartment before he started replacing brandy with affection. Normally when he was feeling like this he'd go to either Gibbs or the club. Since Gibbs had made it clear that Tony needed some alone time both were out, even if he only went to the club to visit Nick, which was what he really wanted to do. Changing his mind he dialled his friend's number, and after a few rings Nick picked up.

“Nicky, it's me,” he said.

“Tonio, what's wrong?” Nick immediately asked.

“Hey, can't a guy call just to talk?” Tony said.

“Is it Gibbs?” His friend guessed perceptively.

“Wow, I'm that transparent, huh? We... we finally spoke. Properly, I mean. He gave me some time to think, but I need to talk to someone. Can we meet?” He asked hopefully.

“I'm working, but I'm free on Friday night. Come to the club, I'll have Lorna buzz you up to the apartment,” Nick told him.

“Sure. Thanks. I'll see you then,” Tony said, and disconnected the call. Nick had been the first person he called because of their past. Nick, owner of the St. Andrews Cross, was a Dominant who had been friends with both Tony and his ex-Domme. Nick had watched as Rebecca turned Tony from a confident charming young man into someone who couldn't tell up from down any more. When Tony had ended things with Rebecca he'd cut off all ties to the D/s scene and that had included Nick, but a few years later during a case they had hooked up again and ever since they'd been really close. Tony was lucky that Nick understood why he'd been such a rubbish friend in the past.

Abby was the only other person who could understand what he was going through, and who would listen without judgement. He text her while he waited for the taxi to show up, telling her that he wouldn't be in to work for a few days and asking if they could meet up. She said yes, of course, because Abby was the kind of person who would never let a friend down. 

That was the last thing Tony remembered before pain exploded and everything went black.

~NCIS~

Tony didn't wake up fully for a while, but while he drifted in and out of consciousness he caught a glimpse of his attacker. It was a man called Jason, probably called Jason anyway since real names were rare at the St Andrews Cross club which was where Tony met him. St Andrews Cross was famous for it's flogging scene and would often have public displays, which was how Jason, who was incredibly average looking, had come to Tony's attention. It wasn't all about looks for Tony. But generally speaking the men and women he allowed to dominate him had to have something that drew him to them, either looks or they had a presence that drew him to them. The proverbial moth to the all-consuming flame. Jason possessed neither of these qualities. He had, however, been captivating on stage with his manipulation of the submissive in his care and his skill with a whip. Tony had been as hard as a rock during the show and afterwards had made a blatant pass at him followed by a memorable few hours that left Tony feeling shaky and blissed out. It hadn't been an isolated incident, whenever Tony struck out or was looking for a hard punishment he'd hook up with Jason. Apparently that had been a mistake.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed but when he finally managed to wake fully he found himself bound in a dark room. Helpless.

Tony hated this feeling. He wasn't damsel in distress material, and yet this wasn't the first time he'd been kidnapped. Of course, this was the first time that it was personal. Criminals could shoot him, torture him, threaten his friends, frame him for murder or kill his loved ones but he still wouldn't take it as a personal attack against himself. That's not to say that when Ari killed Kate he had sat back and wished the man well, when Ziva killed Ari it had been a victory, vengeance and justice for Kate's loss. Still, he knew that criminals were criminals and he was a cop, or rather an agent now, which meant they were natural born enemies. Jason Bruckner, however, had been a dom he'd played with, someone he let into his secret life and had trusted not to kill him even if he'd never trusted the man to truly top him. He'd been just another in a long line of men he had used to vent his anger and grief with. He'd let the man mark him with a cane. It had been superb. Afterwards he'd tried making out with him, and Tony, flying high on endorphins, had let him get as far as giving him a hickey on the neck before he'd managed to safe word and leave. It had only been once, but apparently once was enough for a psycho like Jason.

Now he was bound up with rope that chaffed, a ball gag in his mouth that tasted of leather and his own sweat, spreader bar between his knees and a pair of handcuffs, his own ironically, keeping him in place. He hated being gagged, it was worse than anything else Jason had or could do to him and it was the one thing that Gibbs had never managed to help him recover from. The emotions it roused in him; helplessness, fear, worthlessness. To him a gag symbolised the inability to express himself and gave him the impression that whoever had gagged him didn't think his opinion or feelings were worth anything. He became just an immobile doll for them to manipulate and abuse. Gibbs had never gagged him and that was the one human who Tony actually trusted. He still trusted his boss with his life even now although Tony wasn't sure how his heart would fair once more in the older man's hands. Maybe now he would never get a chance to find out.

“Beautiful,” breathed Jason from the door way.

Tony hadn't been paying much attention but he hadn't noticed the tell-tale mechanical click of a lock or the beeping indicating the use of a keypad so he guessed that the door wasn't locked, which meant that Jason was counting on Tony's inability to try and escape rather than creating obstacles for him. This was good, because when he finally got free – and he would because he would either sweet-talk Jason into trusting him or find something to help free him of his bondage – he would only have to knock Jason out and then he'd be free. He couldn't count on back-up since Gibbs' gave him that time off but maybe he'd get lucky and someone would noticed he was gone. Hopefully soon. Very soon.

“I'm so glad you accepted my invitation, Tonio. I know I've always enjoyed playing with you but I thought it was time we stopped with the games and got serious, don't you agree?” He asked as if he was expecting an answer.

Tony made a muffled noise from behind the gag hoping Jason would remove it. Luckily that was his captor's next move, although he took his time about it; caressing Tony's sweaty neck, licking the salt from his cheeks and murmuring what probably amounted to endearments in his sick twisted mind. “There now, you can thank me.”

Tony swallowed, not sure if he should play along with this man's delusions or try to rationalise with him. “Thank you, Jason,” he whispered.

Jason practically glowed with pleasure. “Of course, I'd do anything for you, Tonio. After all you deserve all my attention. I'm sorry I let those other whores distract me before, but I wasn't sure you were ready. Now I know you are,” he grinned, planting a practised kiss on Tony's dry unresponsive mouth.

“Ready for what?” Tony asked nervously.

“To be mine of course,” Jason answered.

Tony panicked. He started pulling at the bonds, the rope rubbing at his skin painfully but in his desire to get free even pain wouldn't slow him down. The idea of anyone other than Gibbs claiming him was horrific and he couldn't even pretend it wasn't for the sake of staying alive a little bit longer. A man like Jason wouldn't appreciate his belongings fighting back.

Jason was swift in his punishment, punching Tony in the face to disorient him before straddling him and stabbing a needle into his thigh. The drugs knocked him out cold.


	5. Losing what was found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from the song 'Shattered' by Trading Yesterday

Ring. Ring. Ring.

This is DiNozzo. I'm out having a good time so leave your name and number and I'll get back to you if I can. Ciao.

Tony. I's me, Abby. You're in trouble Mr! It's been half an hour, come on and get over here. Bring lots of chocolate and some CafPow and maybe I'll forgive you!

~NCIS~

Ring. Ring. Ring.

This is DiNozzo. I'm out having a good time so leave your name and number and I'll get back to you if I can. Ciao.

Tony! Come on. This isn't funny. You know I worry when people are late. Like maybe you've been in a car accident, or mugged, or murdered or something! Please call me back, even if it's just to say you're five minutes away. Please.

~NCIS~

Ring. Ring. Ring.

This is DiNozzo. I'm out having a good time so leave your name and number and I'll get back to you if I can. Ciao.

Tony, I've been listening to the road report and there isn't a pile up or an accident on the route you take, I even called the police department and they don't know anything. Where are you? It's been five hours and I'm really worried. If you've blown me off for a date then I'm gonna kill you! Call me back. Oh, and please don't be dead!

~NCIS~

Ring. Ring. Ring.

This is DiNozzo. I'm out having a good time so leave your name and number and I'll get back to you if I can. Ciao.

Tony. It's been a whole day. I even went to your apartment and you weren't there. I'm really worried. I'm going to have to call Gibbs, so you'd better not be doing something stupid. But what ever you are doing... please be safe.

~NCIS~

 

“I gave him a few personal days, Abs, I'm sure he's fine,” Gibbs told her as she wrung her hands and stared at him with large weepy eyes.

“But he was supposed to use those days to hang out with me and he never turned up so I called him and it rang for ages and ages then went to voicemail. Every time I call I get the same thing. He wouldn't ignore all my messages for no reason, Gibbs, he'd know I would worry,” Abby said pitifully.

Gibbs sighed. Honestly there wasn't anything concrete to suggest that Tony was in trouble, the case load had been light recently and Tony had just needed a few days to de-stress and unwind especially since he hadn't taken any holiday at all in the months that Gibbs had been in Mexico for. Besides, they had both needed some space to think. Of course, his infamous gut was growling that Tony wouldn't do anything to hurt Abby and that he had no idea just what kind of trouble Tony could have gotten into while he had been away.

“I'll go over to his apartment,” he reassured Abby who gave him one of her sweet spontaneous hugs in response and a quick peck on the cheek before sending him on his way.

By the time Gibbs made it to Tony's he was tense and anxious to have his theories disproven. The drive over there had given him plenty of time to come up with all kinds of horrific scenarios that would have stopped Tony from answering his phone.

He could see from the outside of the building that Tony's light wasn't on but it was late enough that Tony might have gone out for dinner or something because god knows the boy didn't keep enough food to feed a supermodel in the hose let alone a federal agent who enjoyed snacking during movies. His gut twisted and he made his way to the apartment, the key that Tony had given him over a year ago burning a hole in his pocket.

He was unsurprised to find that Tony wasn't home, but while there were no signs of a break in it was little comfort to Gibbs who didn't know where to look next or if he should just settle in for the night and wait to see if Tony returned. It wasn't long before something happened to make his mind up.

There was a knocking at Tony's door and while Gibbs was tempted to ignore it since it obviously wouldn’t be Tony or anyone who knew where he was, politeness and a desperation to make the person stop banging so loudly encouraged him to get up and greet the unexpected visitor. 

The man on the other side of the door was familiar to Gibbs. He was in his late thirties with light blond hair and bright blue eyes that hardened when he saw who it was answering Tony's door. Gibbs recognised him as the owner of a BDSM club called The St. Andrews Cross. The club was one that Tony had frequented many times in the last ten years and Nick was counted as a friend by Tony.

“Is he here?” Nick asked, glancing past Gibbs and ignoring the man as best he could.

Gibbs stepped forward, blocking Nick's line of sight and preventing the man from being able to enter the apartment. Nick glared at him directly, and after a silent battle of wills that Gibbs always knew he was going to win Nick spoke to him. “You're back. I guess that's why I haven't seen Tonio in the last few weeks. Before that he was at the club once a week.”

“You didn't see him last night then?” Gibbs asked, already knowing the answer.

“No... I... I was meant to. He called a few days ago, wanted a talk. I told him to come to the club tonight since I wasn't working. He never showed, that's why I'm here,” Nick confessed reluctantly.

Gibbs' gut tugged. “So you don't know if he showed but never made it up to your place?” There was no jealousy at the idea of Tony meeting Nick because he knew they would never be lovers. For starters they'd known each other for something like ten years and had never once slept together which was a strong indication they never would, but the best indicator was that although Nick was a Dominant, he was also a hardcore sadist. Tony liked pain, but he wasn't a slut for it. For Tony pain was a way of relieving stress and coping with his guilt and trust issues and while he appreciated the endorphins he couldn't be pushed too far past his pain threshold before he lost his erection. Tony had already been in one bad relationship where his dynamic hadn't matched his partner, he still bore the scars and Gibbs was sure he wouldn't be making the same mistake any time soon.

“Yeah, he was meant to meet up with Abby too and he didn't. Can you call someone to find out if he turned up at all?” Gibbs demanded.

Nick wanted to say no, Gibbs could see it in his eyes, but sense won out and he nodded. “Lorna was on admittance last night and Joe was the bouncer. They're both on tonight so I can find out now as long as they pick up,” he said as he dialled a number on his cell. 

~NCIS~

Tony groaned. He was sore everywhere and not in a good way. Ever since he'd woken up it had been like armature torture night. He was pretty sure that Jason thought he was 'training' Tony, but he was clearly basing his idea of training on bad porn since all he'd done so far was beat him, caress him and mutter some crazy mantra about being the dom for Tony and about how Tony should thank him. Needless to say Tony wasn't thankful at all.

“Tony, Tony, Tony,” Jason ranted. “I'm just giving you want you really want.”

“Yeah, because being being kidnapped is a guilty pleasure of mine,” Tony wheezed out sarcastically. He was worried that a rib was broken.

“No, no, no! You've always craved belonging. You want someone to just take care of you, so you don't have to worry any more. I'm just trying to show you that I'm that person for you,” Jason said. 

“Good job so far. I'm pretty sure breaking my bones is the opposite of taking care of me,” he pointed out, holding an arm protectively over his chest.

He'd long since been taken out of bondage and rearranged in various different positions. He just hadn't found the opportunity to strike at Jason. He was hoping that one of these positions he'd get put in would get him close enough to the cell phone that he could see in Jason's pocket. He'd even suggested some lurid sexual acts that would grant him access but Jason had just beaten him more, telling him that it was up to Jason to decide what Tony's purpose was, and Tony was being disrespectful by suggesting other wise.

“I'd never hurt you, but there are lessons you need to learn,” Jason muttered, and Tony screamed as a lash from his belt landed on his nipple. Please, please let it be over soon.

~NCIS~

Nick snapped his cell phone shut. “Lorna said she hadn't seen him tonight but Joe saw him last night just after he left you at a club just across from the club.”

“We talked things out there and I gave him some time off to think about things. I guess that would be the last place anyone saw him. Damn it, I knew I should have seen him home!” Gibbs wanted to punch someone. Now.

“Yeah you should have,” Nick agreed with a dark look. “But Tony can look after himself, there was no reason to suspect other wise. The good news is that Joe knows who saw him after you did, and I have a feeling that it's the same person who has him now.”

“Let's go!” Gibbs said, and if Nick had thought he sounded dark then he had nothing on how Gibbs sounded now. Jason Bruckner was about to have a close encounter with death, and if he was lucky enough to survive then Nick could only imagine the length of the prison sentence that Gibbs would make sure he served.

Nick smiled. He was glad that Gibbs was the one looking out for Tony. This Jason fucker deserved what he got.


	6. Take away the freedoms I wanted, I understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song 'Don't take your love away' by Vast

Abby sat next to Tony as he lay in the hospital bed trying not itch at the healing welt marks, trying not to even move since every breath sent a stab of pain though his body. Even Abby holding his hand wasn't pain free, but he wouldn't sacrifice the gesture for all the pain in the world.

“Are you sure you don't want Gibbs to be here?” Abby asked for the tenth time, worry evident in her voice.

“No Gibbs!” Tony said, his own tone slightly more shrill and panicky than he'd ever admit to. 

“Tony! Gibbs loves you. He rescued you, and now all he wants is to see that you're okay,” she told him softly. Tony had heard the story about how Nick and Gibbs, the unlikely duo that they made, had figured out what had happened to him and barged into Jason's house with guns and a horde of policemen who had arrested Jason on the charge of kidnapping and assaulting a federal agent. By that point he'd been unconscious. Luckily, since Jason had continued to tenderise his body even while he was unresponsive. That guy had been loco. 

Tony shook his head and ignored the pain. “No. I can't,” he whispered, choked up and avoiding eye contact.

“Why not?” Abby demanded, frustrated with the refusals.

“Because I'm not okay, Abby,” he confessed, blinking away tears that were obviously just from the physical pain and had nothing to do with the way his heart was thudding in his chest and his stomach cramped uncomfortably with emotional turmoil. Obviously.

“Oh, Tony. Gibbs can help with that,” she said.

“I don't want him to see me like this. Like the worthless whore I am. I let people hurt me and touch me and that's what got me into this situation. If I had just been loyal and waited for him to come back then none of this would ever have happened. I don't deserve his care,” Tony said into the pillow.

Abby was silent for a while and they lay there hand in hand just listening to the raw breathing of Tony and the sound of hospital machines in the distance. Finally Abby spoke and it was nothing like what he had thought she would say. “I'll tell you a secret, Tony. Even I had my doubts about Gibbs coming back... so it's okay that you did too. He hurt you, and he didn't mean to but it happened all the same and he has to make an effort to make you know he never stopped loving you and that he'll never leave you again. So you both screwed up, but maybe you could forgive yourself enough so that Gibbs can let you know how much he doesn't think you're a whore or disloyal?” She suggested gently.

It was Tony's time to enforce the silence, but even he broke it eventually. “Maybe. Not today though.”

~NCIS~

“It's been a week,” Gibbs said angrily. All he wanted to do was see Tony for himself and let him know how scared he'd been and that he was glad he was back. He was thinking that a 'don't do it again' and a slap to the head followed by a kiss would do the trick. However every time he'd mentioned going to see Tony, Abby or Tim or Ducky or Ziva had stopped him. He was one more day away from firing them all and barging into Tony's apartment uninvited and just showing Tony how much he cared.

“You know why he isn't ready,” Abby reminded him. She'd told him about the negative emotions that Tony had expressed in the hospital. Gibbs had agreed to give Tony time but now he was starting to think that was the problem. He remembered a few weeks ago that Tony had told him that waiting for Tony himself to think he was worthy was like waiting for snow in Hawaii. 

“Abs, he's never going to be ready. I have a way to let him know how wrong he is, okay? Just get him to my place tonight. Make up some excuse about paperwork or something. Please?” He asked, aware of how out-of-character he was behaving.

He must have had Abby worried because she agreed without any more arguments, and Gibbs started on the preparations. He had one shot at not losing Tony completely, and there was no way he would screw it up.

~NCIS~

Tony was more than a little suspicious of Abby when she said she needed him to go to Gibbs' and pick something up for her, but she assured him that the boss-man wouldn't be there and he really couldn't deny Abby anything. He drove up and when he saw that Gibbs' car wasn't there he breathed a sigh that was half relief, half disappointment. He hadn't lied when he said he hadn't wanted to see Gibbs, but it didn't make it any easier to be apart from him. He just had to let go, let Gibbs find someone else, someone worthy, and then he could focus on just being Gibbs' second in command. Like before, all those years ago when he had first been hired. Before everything had gone to Hell like it always did.

Tony entered the house and found it unsurprisingly empty. He was so familiar with the place that he left the lights off as he made his way down to the basement, only then flicking on the light. There, he was greeted with a shocking sight. A BDSM custom made leather collar was sitting on Gibbs' work bench, and Gibbs was stood just behind it watching Tony come down the staircase. 

Tony stared at the collar with an expression of awe and shock. It took the feeling of his lungs burning for him to realise he had stopped breathing, and then with a shuddering great breath he felt like he was falling forward despite the fact he wasn't moving, and he knew he wasn't moving because he hadn't disappointed Jethro by breaking position. Tony raised his beautiful green eyes, damp with emotion and wide with surprise, to look at his Dom. “Why now?”

“Because this is the final step. There will be no second guessing our commitment to each other after I put this around your neck. For me a collar is more permanent than a wedding band, because it denotes a level of trust unparalleled in most marriages. Do you understand what I'm telling you, Tony?” Gibbs asked.

“That you trust me not to screw up again?” Tony said with humour.

“Not only that. Do you trust me not to leave again?” Gibbs asked.

Tony took a second to think about that. His instinct was to say yes, but that was what he would have said before Mexico as well. Having experienced the unavoidable abandonment of Gibbs he knew that they would both feel better about whatever he said next if he put some thought into the answer. After a few seconds, seconds that seemed to drag on like hours for Gibbs who was watching the face of his Sub with the wary acceptance of a man who knew that his whole relationship rested on this moment, Tony was surprised that he still would say yes. Yes, of course he trusted Gibbs, the man was his world, the person who always came back even when circumstances turned against him. Gibbs had trusted Tony when he had had no good reason to, and even now trusted him when he knew Tony had betrayed the rules of their relationship even if he had never meant to. Gibbs had picked up the broken pieces of Tony's soul and rebuilt it from nothing

“I'll always trust you,” Tony said. “I'll always love you, I'm ready,” he added, and now he knew it was true. He knew that all those fears and insecurities he'd had were his alone, that Gibbs never thought Tony was a whore or worthless, because Gibbs would never offer a collar to someone he thought of that way. This was it, the moment when he found his home, his Dom, and finally accepted that his own Submission was a gift, one worthy of belonging to Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

“So am I,” Gibbs admitted, and Tony was reminded once again that despite popular misconceptions, being a Dom was just as much about trust, faith, and bearing your soul to another person as being a Sub was. As much as it had been a journey of self discovery and healing for Tony, the same could be said of Gibbs. They would continue to make the journey together, only becoming stronger. Tony was sure of it.

He smiled as Gibbs slid the collar into place around his neck. It was a black circlet of the softest leather Tony had ever felt, lined with silk and adorned with a silver D ring. More importantly than that was the silver plate upon which was an engraving. It read 'in us I trust', and Tony knew it wasn't just a mantra that he was expected to repeat, it was a promise to Gibbs, and it was Gibbs' vow to Tony.

Gibbs finished with the simple fastening and Tony leaned into his warm calloused palm, smiling softly as Gibbs' thumb stroked along his jawline and caressed his bottom lip. Tony opened his mouth automatically and his Dom slipped the digit inside, allowing Tony to lick at it playfully.

“I'll always love you, too, Tony. My Tony,” Gibbs said, and Tony knew it was true.


End file.
